The Office
by Elementrial
Summary: This is kind of weird. I based it on Catch-22, so read it and find out what the catch is.
1. Fox

"What?"

"Just Watch."

"Why?"

Fox sighed. "Because otherwise you won't know what."

Falco continued to glower over him, his face a picture of disapproval. 

"Three days." he began, taking a small Styrofoam cup off a table and drinking it without thinking of it. "Three days what?"

"Three days ." began Falco again, making it a point of making his glowering face seen clearly in Fox's line of vision. "Three days since I've had a decent donut."

Fox sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"That's what this is all about?"

"What?"

"All your bitching that you've been doing the last four minutes," Fox began, turning away from the computer screen he was watching. "All this time you've been complaining to me, it's all about donuts?"

Falco looked into Styrofoam cup and tried to figure out exactly what he had just drunk. 

"It just seems weird, that's all. All the good donuts are gone. All the crullers." Falco threw the cup in the garbage. "Just once I'd like a cruller. Just once. Is that too much to ask?"

Fox sighed for the second time in as many minutes. "Apparently so."

"Damn."

"Now," Fox began again, gesturing towards the computer screen, "Can we watch this, are you going to complain about more baked goods,"

Falco glanced up. "Are there more baked goods?"

"No."

"Damn."

Fox sighed for the third time in as many minutes. He needed a cigarette, which was strange to him because he didn't smoke. He needed a break. He and Falco were summoned from business as usual by a letter. It read:

Dear Sir(s)

You have been summoned for special civic duties on the assigned date. Please do not ignore this letter as it will result in your expulsion from the SSBL. We apologize for any inconvenience and the above threat. 

Signed,

M.H., Esq.

So they went, not wanting to invoke the wrath of M.H., Esq., who appeared to know what he was talking about. Now they found themselves in a very strange office building with a door that only leads in and strange, unopenable windows. They were doing work, computer work, creating software for a company known as M.H. Esq. and his Esquires, which was apparently a large corporation that needed slave labor.

"That's what it is." said Kirby to him the day after Fox arrived. "You know I'm right."

"No, I don't"

"Well, I am right," he had said, which was true. He was right, and it is also true that Kirby was rarely wrong. He was small, pink, round and truthful, he had no nose and big, oval eyes and a round dot of a mouth. He was incapable of any cruel remarks, his face was honest and he spoke his mind and got away with it.

"Okay, whatever." Fox had agreed, and stumbled off to find his office, where he was supposed to work until something or someone told him to stop.

"Stop working." said the loudspeaker. "Finish what you are doing and shut down."

That was the end of the day. There was no arguing with the loudspeaker unless you wanted to, but it never argued back. Its silence could be judged as a victory for the speaker, but only if the speaker was a blockhead.

"You are a blockhead." stated Kirby to Captain Falcon, who had screamed until he spit the water he was drinking through his nose. 

"No," he had retorted petulantly, and went back to screaming at the loudspeaker like a real moron until Bowser stormed in and threatened to throw him out the window if he didn't shut up.

"I swear to God I'll punt you out that window like a little muscle-bound football, ya friggin' tight wearing pansy son of a bitch!" Bowser would shout as he stormed into Captain Falcon's office like a whirlwind, knocking over chairs and stacks of paper. "I'll rip out your lungs and make you eat your spleen! Once I've done, that I'll rip out your spleen again and put it in your lungs and make you eat that too!"

Bowser was big, tall, ugly, and had a stress problem. He needed Prozac, but if someone told him that he would kill them, which would go to show that he actually did need Prozac. Bowser was towering, ugly, and hard headed, he had homicidal tendencies and issues. He worked in the office across from Fox.

"Just great," Fox had said the first day he saw this, and he said it every day since then since it had not changed. "Just my luck."


	2. Mewtwo

In actuality, Bowser being across the hall was the least of Fox's problems. Bowser was neutral to Fox, he never went into his office or was loud and obnoxious. Bowser left him alone and Fox enjoyed every second of it. Falco, on the other hand, refused to ignore Fox and refused to be ignored by him. Every day he would appear in Fox's office and complain about things that no one in the office had any way of remedying. Finally, when he could take no more, Fox would say that he had problems of his own. Falco didn't care. That was one of his more charming personality traits, the ability to not give a damn about anyone or anything except for himself and his problems. He would often complain to Link, who was too embedded in his own problems to care about anything else.

"You don't know what I'm going through," Link would shout, since he was apparently incapable of talking in a quiet, civilized manor. "I have a country to save."

"I don't want to hear about _your _issues." Falco would reply, and then march into Fox's office and complain. 

The truth was that Link didn't actually have a country to save anymore because the person who he was trying to save it from occupied an office close to his. His name was Ganondorf and he was tall and evil. He had a pointed nose and a flowing cape and laughed at other people's misfortune. Ganondorf always seemed to pleased by something known only to him, and Link went crazy trying to figure out what. 

"What difference does it make what he thinks?" Samus asked him. "He doesn't think enough for it to make a difference. No brain at all in that big, balding head of his." Samus wondered about things like that. Fox wondered if Samus really was a woman, or just some guy with a nasty sense of humor. She was tall, robotic and was the only girl in the whole place safe from Captain Falcon's inappropriate remarks and sexual innuendo. This was because she could beat the snot out of him. All the other girls could, too, since Captain Falcon was a puss, but Samus came out and told him the second he spoke to her.

"I'll smack the crap out of you if you come in my office again."

"Huh?"

"You heard me." Samus said, leaning back in her chair and putting he feet on the desk.

"Get your feet off the desk," said Mario, who had been walking by. "It's bad manners."

Captain Falcon never bothered Samus again and Mario never ceased in telling people to get their feet off their desks. It was his responsibility, he felt, to make sure that all the furniture went undamaged, so as to anger M.H. Esq. 

"Get your feet off the desk Luigi," he said to Luigi the day after Roy got tetanus from watching too much TV. "Its bad manners."

"Shut up." Luigi suggested. 

"No, really, get your feet off the desk." Mario said and glowered at Luigi until he took his feet off. 

Luigi was very interesting. He was not brave, not strong, and not smart. He was the ultimate person you never wanted to be a hero, and yet he was. He hated confrontations, yet he excelled in them. He talked too little and was an incredible conversationist when he did.

"I hate him." Mewtwo said as he took a drink from a pot of coffee that wasn't his. "He has no self esteem. He should get some from Captain Falcon. He has way too much to be healthy."

But Captain Falcon was healthy, and Mewtwo wasn't. He was pallid, sallow and wan. His paleness was surpassed by his immense mental strength, which he did everything with. This got on some people's nerves, to see him write with six pencils at once and make them all look bad. 

"He's making us look bad." growled Bowser.

"No he's not." said Zelda. "He's just a hard worker."

"He hates all of us." whined Yoshi.

"I'm sure he doesn't." responded Zelda quickly.

"Let's ask him." Bowser said, and barreled into the office without knocking or waiting for consent from his companions. 

"Mewtwo."

"What?"

"Do you hate us?"

"Yes."

Bowser was surprised. "All of us?"

"Down to the very last idiot amongst you."

"Are you trying to make us look bad?"

"Absolutely."

"He hates all of us." Bowser reported back. "I think I'll get along nicely with him"


	3. Dr Mario

The day after Yoshi got tetanus from watching too much TV, Fox stormed into Mario's office and demanded to know what the catch was.

"The catch?", Mario said innocently. "What catch?"

"You know damn well what I'm talking about." Fox replied, leaning menacingly over Mario's desk. "What is the catch."

"Catch-22."

"Catch-22?"

"You better believe it." Mario said. "That's the granddaddy of all catches. The big kahuna. The big Lebowsky. The full Monty. The--"

"What is Catch-22?"

Mario sighed. "Catch-22 states that we can all get out of here any time we want."

Fox's ears perked up. "Really? It says that?"

"Yup."

"How?"

Mario smiled humorlessly. "We die."

Fox gasped and tipped backwards. He slammed his back against the door to the office. Mario said something, but it was garbled, like he was underwater. 

"Of course." he said at lunch in a hushed tone that made the people at his table think he was crazy. "It's so simple. We can leave at any time. All we have to do is die." he suddenly turned to Kirby. "Kill me."

Kirby looked up from his donut. "What?"

"Kill me."

"Now?"

"Yes. Now."

"Okay," Kirby said, picked up a metal chair and smacked Fox over the head with it. 

"Son of a bitch." Fox said when he woke up four hours later.

"I know," said Donkey Kong, who didn't.

Donkey Kong, or DK as he like to be called, was a big monkey. This caused people with small minds like Cpatain Falcon, Yoshi or Roy great distress when he spoke to them. They couldn't treat him with scorn because he would pound them into oblivion with his massive fists. They couldn't treat him with fear because he really didn't instill a sense of fear in anyone.

"He gives me night terrors." said Pikachu to anyone who would care, which was no one.

"No one cares," reminded Doctor Mario as he walked by. He then paused and added "At least not about you."

Dr. Mario was big on medicine. If anyone had an ailment, the good doctor could fix it. He put ice on Fox's head and gave him aspirin in a Styrofoam cup that Falco later drank out of. He gave Yoshi anti-viral shots for tetanus and tried to sew Roy back together after Marth cut him in half. The only person he didn't try to help was Pichu, who lay dying in his office for no good reason. 

"I'm dying," Pichu moaned. 

"No you're not." said Dr. Mario as he walked by. Ten minutes later Pichu was dead and Dr. Mario looked like an idiot.

"Why do I never listen to my patients!" he lamented in his office. "They keep me in business, but I never listen."

"I have a headache." said Ness, who had been sitting in his office. 

"I don't care." Dr. Mario said and kept ranting until Ness left to go watch a baseball game.

Ness loved baseball more than anything in the world. It was an unhealthy kind of love, though. He could recite every statistic for every player who ever played the game in his lifetime. He knew facts about the players that the players didn't even know. Ness was an incredible mind who could think of things that other people couldn't in ways that no one else could. In short, no one enjoyed having him around because he made them look dumb. He enjoyed baseball so much that if anyone started a conversation about football hockey, soccer, curling, or any other sport, he would change it to baseball. If anyone started a conversation about baseball, his powerful mind would withdraw all the information he knew and give him a painful headache and send him into Dr. Mario's office.

"I have a headache." Ness said, who had been sitting in Dr, Mario's office for ten minutes waiting for aspirin.

"I don't care." said Dr. Mario, and went on ranting until Ness left to watch a baseball game and found Yoshi lying on the floor screaming about tetanus.


	4. Yoshi

Yoshi didn't die of the tetanus he contracted by watching too much TV. He died after Doctor Mario gave him shots of anti-viral medication. He lay on floor in Dr. Mario's office twitching spasmodically like some kind of insect, until he finally gave up and died. Dr. Mario swore like a sailor and moped in his office with the doors closed for quite some time. 

"I'm not _going_ to work." said Yoshi emphatically. "I'm going to watch TV until I die." 

"You have to work." peach had said to him in a soothing voice. "You have to work or Bowser will kill you."

"Good for Bowser." he whined and sat on the sofa with the TV on. 

"I hate you." Fox said after Yoshi refused to get up. "I hate you more than I hate Jigglypuff. And I hate Jigglypuff _a lot._"

"Good for Jigglypuff." Yoshi whined and went right on moping on the sofa.

"You're not even watching anything good." Fox pointed out. "You're watching Alf."

"Really?" Kirby asked

"Really, I swear. He's watching Alf. For God's sake, Alf."

"Alf sucks." rumbled Bowser. "Who's watching it?"

"Yoshi."

"Maybe I'll join him." said Bowser and stomped off to the lounge.

"I want a donut." Falco said to Kirby. 

"Where the hell did you come from?"

"My office. Look, just give me a donut. I know you have a junta on them."

Fox laughed. "Junta? People don't put juntas on donuts."

Kirby laughed nervously. "Fox," he said uneasily.

"What?"

"I kind of have a junta."

"On donuts?" Fox said with a raise of his eyebrow.

"On donuts." 

"What kind of donuts?"

"Oh, all the good ones." Kirby said enthusiastically. "Glazed, Boston cream, crullers, the chocolate icing ones. In fact the only ones I leave are plain."

"Plain?"

"Plain."

Fox paused. 

"Plain donuts blow."

"Plain donuts blow." Falco said after Fox told him that there were donuts. 

"How'd you know there were only plain left?" Fox asked, chewing on a plain donut.

"There's _always _only plain donuts left." Falco said sulkily. "Some filthy hog is hording them for himself."

"He called you filthy."

"He what?" Kirby asked, munching on a cruller. 

"He called you filthy."

"Who?"

"Falco."

"That bastard."

Fox scratched his head. "Maybe if you gave him a cruller or two.."

Kirby shook his head, which was actually his body. "No way. No."

"Why not?"

"That would defeat the whole purpose of my junta."

Fox thought he had him. "And what purpose is that?" 

"To keep all the donuts for me." Kirby said calmly, switching to a jelly donut.

"You talk to him." Fox told Link.

"Why?"

"He listens to you."

Link left his office and found Roy's top half lying in a pool of his own blood on the floor. Marth was standing over him with a bloody sword. 

I'm not going to jump to conclusions, Link told himself.

"Who did this?"

"Me."

Link gasped. "Why did you cut Roy in half?"

"Why not?" Marth said, and walked away. 

Link frowned. Half a Roy wasn't going to do any work. Of course, full Roy didn't do any work either. 

"Why did you cut him in half?" Link asked again after he cornered Marth in his office.

"If you don't shut up I'm going to cut _you_ in half."

"No, really, why."

Marth sighed. "Will you stop bothering me?"

"Yes."

"He wanted me to."

Link felt like he was going to explode. "Why," he shouted as calmly as he could shout. "did he want that?"

Marth shrugged.

Link sighed and left the office to find a donut, but there were only plain ones left.


	5. Nana and Popo

Mysteriously, there was a guest list at the front of the building. More mysteriously, there was Nana and Popo on it. Most mysterious of all, Nana and Popo weren't in the building.

"Who the hell is Nana?"

"What the hell is a Popo?"

"That's what they call a policeman in certain parts of the country."

"Maybe he can bust us out."

"He isn't even in."

"They want to know who Nana and Popo are." Donkey Kong told Mario, who was sitting in his office with a small cup of coffee. 

"How the hell should I know?"

"You knew about Catch-22."

Mario sat up with a start. "Who told you about Catch-22?"

"Fox."

"That bastard." Mario said with a snarl. "How many people did he tell?"

"All of them."

"Even Pichu?"

"He died too early."

Mario thought for a while. "Leave. I have a lot of work to do."

"I mean it, leave."

"Just give me the damn earplugs, Fox." Falco said with his hand out.

"I don't have your stupid earplugs." Fox said without looking up from his computer.

"Look, someone took them. I need those earplugs for when Captain Falcon starts to yell at the loudspeaker."

"What makes you think I even have them."

"You were just in my office. Come on, Fox. give them to me."

Fox moaned and rooted through his desk. "Here, take mine. Just take them and leave. I have a lot of work to do before the end of the workday."

Falco looked quizzically at the earplugs. "Where'd you get these?"

"Bowser gave them to me." 

Falco frowned visibly. "These are mine."

"Where'd you get these?" Falco asked angrily as he slammed open the door to Bowser's office and threw his earplugs on the desk.

Bowser picked up the earplugs and squinted at it. "I stole them. From you I believe."

"Falco opened his mouth to protest, but it was muffled by the loudspeaker saying. "Finish what you are doing and stop working."

Falco continued to open his mouth to speak and was again muffled by the cries of Captain Falcon.

"Hey! Hey you! You on the other end of this loudspeaker. If you can hear me bastards, I want out! You hear me? I want out! And another thing-"

Bowser snarled. "Excuse me a moment." he said and roared out of his office. 

The muffled cry of Captain Falcon hitting the pavement woke Kirby up from his nap. Bowser walked out of him office brushing his hands together. 

"What was that?"

Bowser peered into the office and rubbed his eyes. "I threw Captain Tights out the window."

Kirby looked confused. "Captain Tights?" Who's that?"

Suddenly Mewtwo jogged by laughing, he turned back and looked into Kirby's office just long enough to shout jovially "Hey, Captain Falcon's dead! Finally, I'll be free of that little punk's incessant screaming and whining!" He sprinted out of view and could be heard shouting the same thing into other people's doors.

"Great, just great." This is the last thing I need." Fox groaned as he stared at the window at the stain on the sidewalk that had once been Captain Falcon. "I know they're going to dump his workload on me."

Instead, the work was dumped on Nana and Popo because they were doing the least work, statistically, out of the entire group. This was just fine with them, but Fox was mad because Falco had taken his only pair of earplugs and thrown them at Bowser. Now he had no way of sleeping when Pikachu screeched in the night about Donkey Kong.

"Here." said Bowser, handing Fox a pair of earplugs

"Where'd you get these?"

"I stole them from Falco."

Fox put them in his ears and went to sleep. When he woke up, he was being screamed at by Peach for reasons he had rather not found out.


	6. Kirby

Fox cowered behind his computer to try and put as much distance between he and Peach as possible. She was screaming more than Fox wanted her to scream. Fox preferred to not scream at all, but if Peach had to scream, he preferred it be done not in his face. Unfortunately, Peach was too busy screaming at Fox to care what his views were on screaming.

"What is your problem!" Fox said, backing out of his chair and reaching for something to wake him up. He found coffee and burned his hand. "Listen, what are you screaming about? Why aren't my earplugs working?"

Peach continued to scream. Fox continued to cover his ears, until he clamped a hand across Peach's lips. "What, on God's green Earth, is your problem? Why in the name of hell were you screaming at me?"

Peach seemed ashamed. "I forget." She said, sat down and thought. Fox gawped. "You forgot, you, you, you.." he struggled and then shouted "Forgot?" 

"Oh yeah, I remember now, Captain Falcon isn't dead." 

Fox gawped again. "Like hell he isn't dead. He's a pancake on the sidewalk."

"No he staggered in here and tipped over."

Fox looked around frantically. Peach rolled her eyes.

"Not this office, idiot. My office."

Fox rubbed his ears. "That explains the screaming. I need an aspirin.

"I don't have any." Dr. Mario told him with a shrug.

"Fox shoved his chair back and roared in his face "You don't have any aspirin? Than what the hell good are you?"

"I'm very good. I sold it all to Kirby at fifteen bucks a case. I only payed six dollars for them. Don't tell him."

"I won't." Fox promised

"He's screwing you over, you know." Fox told Kirby after he bought an aspirin case from him.

"How so?"

"He only paid six bucks and sold them to you at double cost and then some. You got the short end of the stick."

"No, you got the short end of the stick. I just sold you aspirin for twenty dollars. I only paid fifteen." 

"Oh."

Kirby leaned back in his chair and put his little red feet on the desk. "_You're_ the only one getting screwed."

"Get your feet off the desk. It's bad manners." said Mario as he walked by the office.

Kirby leaned forward. "I'm also selling the donuts. The junta finally paid off."

"Does Falco know?"

"How do you think I got the $300 for the aspirin?"

Fox's jaw dropped. "Three hundred dollars? How many donuts did you give him?"

"Half a dozen."

"That's fifty bucks per donut."

"The guy is desperate."

"I was desperate." Falco said as he paced the tiny office he was in. 

"I figured that." Fox said and rolled his eyes. "Three hundred dollars for six donuts."

"I really needed one." Falco said emotionally. "I was drained. I needed donuts. Not plain donuts. Plain donuts suck."

"But did you need six?"

"Yes. God Yes. I needed every last crumb. That's why when you came in I was licking the desk."

"I was wondering about that, too."

"How am I gonna make six hundred dollars?"

"Three hundred.." Fox corrected. 

"No, six hundred. I spent another three hundred on a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. Aparently the donuts didn't sit too well."

"Since when do you have Pepto-Bismol, too?" Fox yelped at Kirby as Kirby took a bite out of a donut.

"Since I got it from Dr. Mario."

"He sold you Pepto-Bismol, too?"

"Not sold, gave. He has an addiction problem."

"He's addicted to Pepto-Bismol?"

"No, he's addicted to donuts."

"I see," said Fox, who really didn't.

"He's addicted to donuts. The donuts give him gastro-intestinal distress. So he gave me the Pepto-Bismol so that he couldn't eat anymore donuts. You see, he'd grow tired of the stomach problems and just stop eating donuts."

"Did it work?"

"No. I just sell him donuts and then sell him Pepto-Bismol. I sell it to him at half price because I feel bad. I'm really screwing him over big time."

"At least you have a conscience."

Fox left the office with a new respect for Kirby. He then realized that Captain Falcon was still alive and he wanted to see him before he died.

"Too late." said Link. "He's dead."

Fox sighed. He wondered if Kirby was screwing him over. He was right.


	7. Pichu

"Of course I'm screwing you over. I screw everyone over." Kirby said as he crammed another donut inside his face.

"But I'm your friend."

"So?"

"So you shouldn't lace your friend's donuts with laxative."

"But then I wouldn't sell any Pepto-Bismol."

"Let me get this straight." Fox said, putting his mug of coffee down.

"You lace the donuts with laxative. You sell the donuts a fifty bucks per donut to anyone desperate enough to buy them at such a price. You then sell Pepto-Bismol to people who get gastro-intestinal distress from your donuts."

"You forgot about the coffee."

Fox stared at Kirby, then at his coffee, then back at Kirby. "What _about_ the coffee."

"You didn't know about the coffee?"

"No. Tell me about the coffee."

"I sell people coffee for 12 bucks per cup. I then remind them that donuts go well in coffee and tell them that I have the best deals on donuts in the building."

"You have the _only_ deals on donuts in the building."

"That means they're the best deals by default, doesn't it?"

"Yes, I guess." Fox said quietly, trying to figure out exactly what else he wanted know from this little cream puff who knew everything.

"Where'd you get the laxatives?"

"The ones I put in my donuts? Dr. Mario gave them to me. He has an addiction problem."

"He's addicted to donuts." Fox stated matter-of-factly.

"He's addicted to laxatives. That's why I took them in the first place. I sell them to him at unnaturally high prices and tell them that they're bargain basement low compared to other people who peddle laxatives."

"No one else peddles laxatives in this building."

"That makes them low by default, doesn't it?"

Fox staggered. "I need a drink."

"I'll sell one to you for forty dollars."

"Since when do you have alcohol?"

"Since Dr. Mario gave it to me. He has an addiction problem, you know."

"He's addicted to alcohol?"

"He's addicted to crack-cocaine."

"Ah. That doesn't surprise me at all." Fox lied and left the office.

Fox wandered the halls with nothing to do except go into Pichu's office. The little rodent was dead in here, killed by forces that no one understood except Pichu, who was dead and therefore not likely to explain it. Fox looked at the office it was like all the others: A swivel chair on a brown artificial dest. The same computer that the rest of the group had, the same unopenable window, the same potted fern in the corner of the room. The only thing different was a gas pipe that ran along the office wall. Fox only noticed it because it was leaking. He could hear the hollow hiss of its quarry being dumped out into the air, but he could not smell it. Fox held his mouth close to it, but it had no taste, either. 

"Carbon Monoxide. It has no taste or smell." Fox told Mario. "We'll all be dead in a little while. We'll die like Pichu, writhing on the floor like a headless snake."

"That was very graphic. You should be a songwriter."

"Thank you."

"And we won't all die. Someone could patch the hole."

"Not me."

"Not _me_."

"Fine, I'll do it." said Fox, then went out, bought a donut and promised to give it to Falco if he patched the hole. Falco agreed and did so with only minor brain damage. 

"How minor?" he asked Dr. Mario.

"You won't remember things like baseball statistics."

"I'll have Ness fill me in."

Falco went around to the office and couldn't find Ness. Ness had apparently left the building since he was standing outside. 

"Hey!" Yelled Falco. "How did _you _get out?" 

"I left a clue on my desk!" shouted Ness.

Falco ran to the desk and found a piece of paper. On it was scrawled the word 'Air'.


End file.
